


Black Diamonds In My Hands

by TheBeautifulLove



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Depression, F/M, Mental Health Issues, Romance, Set in London
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-21 13:45:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12459033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBeautifulLove/pseuds/TheBeautifulLove
Summary: "I became comfortable when I got to know her more. At the beginning she kept surprising me, catching me off guard. When I thought she couldn’t surprise me anymore, naturally that’s exactly what she did."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The parts in italics are events from the past - written in past tense.
> 
> Normal writing (no italics) are current events - written in present tense.

_I thought I knew her well by now._

_It has been a long time since the shy, blonde girl from my Developmental Psychology class heard me rap to myself quietly in the library, complementing me with a small smile and sparkling eyes._

_I was so embarrassed to be heard like that and promised myself not to do that ever again in public even if my performance is coming up very soon and I desperately needed to practice._

_‘As much as I’m enjoying your rap, I also really need to read this article for tomorrow.’ She said with amusement in her voice and held up a thick stack of papers up to my face._

_Only then I realised that behind the tall bookshelves near the corner is another row of tables with chairs and there are people there. I only looked around me and seeing no one I thought I was alone. I felt my cheeks go red and whispered a small ‘I’m so sorry.’ Still, she smiled at my surprised expression but quickly disappeared, going back to her sit._

_I thought she looked familiar but I couldn’t remember until the next day when I noticed she is in my class. She sat with her friend and didn’t notice me then but I still felt embarrassed by what happened the day before._

_Since then though, I started to acknowledge her whenever I saw her around the university campus. She would smile if she saw me or wave a little. Other times she would just nod at me, hurrying to her next class, trying to make her way through the sea of people in the narrow hallway._

_Few days later, I thought that there is no reason to be shy anymore about that time in the library and initiated the first ‘Hello.’ I was surprised she responded immediately and almost shocked when one day she added:_

_‘How’s the rap coming along?’_

_Due to the surprise, I only managed to spit out a tiny ‘It’s fine, thank you.’, my voice choked up and high. I was usually quite confident but she kept taking me by surprise with her shy attitude yet very open and friendly personality._

_It has been a long time since then. From the first meeting, to the few words exchanged here and there that became gradually longer to where we are now. I remember when we first talked longer than the usual short greetings. Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe not that it took place in the library too. Neither of us did any studying and we had to whisper all the time not to disturb others around us but I found myself so happy then._

_It was a really easy chat at first, just about the hardships of university life and managing other tasks along with studying and exams but soon we drifted to more personal topics. She apologized and asked about my background._

_I laughed. ‘You don’t have to apologize for asking that. I’m Korean but I live in London for almost nine years now.’_

_She nodded. ‘Ah, I thought so but I wasn’t sure. So, you speak Korean, right?’_

_‘Yeah, I do.’ I couldn’t miss the shine and curiosity in her big, green eyes at my response. I was about to ask about her reaction but I remembered something suddenly. ‘I just realised I didn’t even ask about your name.’_

_‘Ah, right!’ She exclaimed loudly with wide eyes, earning a few glares from other students. She covered her mouth with her hand and when she took it away again she whispered. ‘How did we even forget that?’_

_I laughed a little. ‘I honestly have no idea.’ I extended my hand. ‘I’m Chanyeol.’_

_She took it and squeezed lightly. ‘I’m Kaya. Nice to meet you.’ She replied in accurate yet careful and shy Korean. My mouth opened slightly and I just kept holding her hand for a moment._

_‘What?’ I asked loudly in shock, finally letting go of her small hand. She didn’t have a chance to respond when an angry looking librarian approached our table._

_‘This is not a place for chat. Please, do this outside if you’re not planning on studying in silence.’ She told me in a serious tone and pointed to the sign on the wall that said to be quiet and considerate of others. I apologized quickly. When she left, I looked at Kaya who was biting her lip, her cheeks a little pink._

_‘Shall we go outside?’ I asked quietly but looking at her notes on the desk, I added: ‘But if you want to study… ‘ Before I could finish she was already packing the papers into her bag and nodding towards the exit._

_‘Let’s go.’ We left in a hurry. As soon as the doors closed after us we just laughed freely. ‘She didn’t look happy.’ Kaya shook her head leaning against the wall, her long blonde hair falling into her eyes._

_‘I know. We’re such trouble.’ I sighed in mock disappointment but smiled anyway._

_We ended up walking together towards the bus stop, realizing that it’s late and dark outside already. On the way, she asked me to rap something for her, joking that it’s been a long time since she heard my last performance._

_I showed her my latest rap I made that incorporates both English and Korean. She listened and nodded her head along. She clapped for me when I finished and I bowed a little, proud of myself._

_‘Sounds so good with both languages.’ She complimented honestly and I remembered what happened earlier._

_‘Speaking of that, you introduced yourself in Korean.’ I stated and watched her nod shyly._

_It turned out she teaches herself Korean using internet videos and various websites. I assured her immediately that her pronunciation was great when she began complaining that she probably sounded ridiculous._

_I made her say other phrases she learned and she tried her best, the blush spreading delightfully on her pale cheeks. She blamed it on the cold British weather, adjusting her puffy, green jacket when I commented on it. She didn’t manage to fool me though._

_When she reluctantly agreed to act out some aegyo, I couldn’t help myself, exclaiming loudly at how cute it was. It drew the attention of the other people waiting at the bus stop to whom we must have looked like real weirdos but it didn’t matter to me._

_I felt something new that evening that I didn’t even stop to think about. Too absorbed in the moment I felt so carefree, inhaling the fresh, evening air and watching it form little, white clouds every time I exhaled. I waited for my bus, secretly hoping hers would come first so that I won’t have to leave her alone here waiting without me. I wanted to see her well and safe on her way home first and then if my bus came a minute or an hour later it wouldn’t matter._

_I didn’t know the name for these feelings back then. I doubted a specific term even existed. I didn’t waste my time for such pointless task like even trying to find out._

_***_

_We became friends really fast after that. Maybe too fast._

_I learned about her more and more every day and I spent more attention on her during classes than on what the professor was saying. I could tell she was trying to focus too but failed multiple times, whispering in my ear and giggling quietly about things that had nothing to do with the course. One time she flipped casually through my notebook during lunch and pointed out that before I used to take a lot of notes and gradually started to take less and less._

_‘I’m a bad influence on you.’ She said, still reading my messy handwriting. ‘Next time we need to promise each other to focus. The exams are really soon, Channie.’ She took a small bite of her sandwich absentmindedly not even looking at me. I just hummed in response and wondered whether she even noticed she just gave me a nickname for the first time._

_I realised she’s very determined if she really wants something. I learned she likes to experiment with fashion, somehow always managing to look good anyway. I learned she hates the colour orange and loves drinking peppermint tea, looking out the window when it rains heavily outside. I learned she doesn’t like bell peppers and kiwi fruit but loves pasta and spinach. I noticed she squeezes her fists, thumbs tucked inside when nervous and paces around when deep in thought._

_She always asked me when she didn’t understand something about Korean that she was currently learning so it was only natural that one day I offered to just teach her myself. We met up in the library at first but she hated the attention everyone was giving us so she invited me to her house after classes on Tuesdays and Fridays._

_First time I saw her house I’m sure my expression must have looked comical because she was kneeling on the freshly cut grass of her front lawn, doubled over with laughter. I could just stare at what looked like the biggest mansion in the area. In fact, I often drove by it envying whoever lived there. Still standing motionless as if under a spell, I thought the world really is a small place in the end, everything interconnected somehow into a clear picture._

_‘You live here?’_

_‘Yes. C’mon, inside there’s a lot to look at too.’ I followed her numbly, replaying everything I know about her in my head again._

_I never got the impression she’s this rich. Her favourite clothes shop was H &M for crying out loud, when she could afford to dress from head to toe in Gucci. I shook my head, feeling a weird deja-vu – she was full of surprises and I thought that already too many times before. _

_‘Chanyeol?’ She narrowed her eyes when I stood in the doorway looking down the long corridor spreading before my eyes. She stood in the middle of it, comfortable and used to everything around her, beautiful as always yet something was off._

_‘Oh, sorry.’ I quickly walked in and when she closed the door behind us, I realised what was so off – she didn’t match with the place. Her smile was too bright, her sweet voice was echoing against the cold, grey marble floors._

_I came to know the house as well as my own. Her mother was very kind and so was her older sister and the lady who was renting a small room at the top floor too. I knew the fridge was stocked full on Fridays and a maid came on Saturdays to wipe the dust off the shelves that were mostly still untouched from the last time. The spirit of the house always seemed cold, uncaring but the people who lived there were the very opposite - warm and friendly, so it was enough to feel relaxed and cosy. I learned they got everything from a rich aunt from America who passed away. It made more sense then._

_‘I know it may sound strange but this is not my dream house. I always wanted something smaller, a little house with a big garden and flowers that I planted myself, you know.’ She tapped the pen in her hand lightly against the table. A steady, calm rhythm filled the silent room. ‘Roses. Violet, red and white roses everywhere.’ She added after a moment. I smiled at her almost child-like imagination._

_We always studied Korean in the built-up patio fully made of glass, so that you could see the greenery and sky outside. It was always full of light even when the weather was rainy and gloom. I loved sitting there with her. I loved hearing the words in my mother tongue slipping quietly from her lips and her eyes searching mine in hope of approval._

_‘Why Korean?’ I asked one day when we finished studying and were just sitting on the most comfortable sofa you can imagine, eating cakes and drinking weak coffee._

_I waited as she put down her ceramic mug on the table. ‘The house next to ours is empty now but there used to live a Korean family there. I could hear them sometimes playing with their little daughter in the garden when I opened the window in my room. She was so cute, maybe three or four years old. She was giggling while they played hide and seek. She was their only child, I think. I heard them say some Korean words among the accented English and I learned them.’ Kaya smiled a little at the memories._

_‘The postman used to mix-up the mail and I would get theirs sometimes. I would go to their house to return it but often ended up staying for tea. The house smelled of delicious food that I had the honour of tasting. The little girl would run up to me and show me her drawings or sing songs she learned at school. It was so nice you know. They were so kind. I thought I want a family like that one day.’ She sighed, clearly missing those times. I found myself so absorbed in the story, I didn’t dare to interrupt. ‘When I said to my mum one day at breakfast that I wanted to start learning something new, she suggested studying a new language. The first thing that came to my head was Korean. I associated it with warmth and kindness. I knew it was the one. Besides, I think it just sounds pretty.’ She concluded, popping a bit of cake into her mouth._

_I nodded slowly, when she looked at me for a reaction. I felt really warm at heart somehow. The coffee tasted sweeter on my tongue when I put it to my lips again._

_Sometimes we just hang out, sometimes she told me to practice my rapping for a performance if I seemed nervous about it. Other times we studied for classes. We went to my house often too. She met my mum who kept feeding us food. Kaya’s eyes shined when she said the food remined her of the other family and she missed the taste so much. I felt pride, sitting by her, just eating happily. She said she felt so comfortable in my house. I understood why – it was smaller and filled with my mother’s precious flowers. They bonded over that passion and my mother was always asking when she’ll come to visit again._

_I felt calm around her, my worries drifting away at the very sound of her soft voice. Sometimes though it pounded in my chest like the time when I accidently fell asleep on her sofa when she went to make tea. I was tired; the pressure of university and performances stealing my time to sleep and stress not helping me to fall asleep at night when I finally could. I wanted to just rest my head on the soft, silky pillow for a moment while I wait for her but I drifted off immediately. When I woke up it was dark in the usually light patio and that set my heart into a frantic pace from the mere fear and disorientation. There was a dim light from the lamp in the corner and my body felt warm. I was under a blanket, my legs curled on the sofa._

_Kaya came in through the glass door, wearing a fluffy blue bath robe, her hair wet from shower. She smiled a little and sat next to me. ‘Awake already?’ Maybe I was dazed from the sleep still but she sounded like an angel._

_‘Already? It’s dark outside.’ I looked towards the window and saw that it was windy and raining outside as if a storm is coming on. I thought my mother must be so worried._

_‘It’s 10:30. You fell asleep and I didn’t want to wake you. You seemed so tired. I called your mother and told her my sister will drive you home later so you don’t have to go home in this weather.’ She answered all my worries, hugging her robe closer to her chest as if cold. She laughed a little when I closed my eyes again, bringing the blanket closer to my face. I could easily fall asleep again._

_My heart started to beat faster again, sparked with a sudden surge of warmth when she placed her hand on my cheek and stroked softly with her thumb. ‘You slept so peacefully.’ She moved her hand to weave it through my hair. I suddenly felt like I missed her so much. Is it even possible to miss someone who’s right there?_

_I opened my eyes lazily to look up at her and hoped we can stay like this forever but that’s exactly when she got up and pulled at my hand. ‘I made food. C’mon, I’m not sending you home on an empty stomach.’_

_That I evening I found out food tastes better when there is only a little light on in the kitchen and a storm is raving outside. Most importantly, amber-coloured flames of light play across the face of the person you’re with, drawing beautiful shapes. Sometimes, I still didn’t believe that evening ever happened because it was too perfect. It had no right or place to exist in the dullness of reality._

_Maybe I never really woke up from that blissful nap._

_I became comfortable when I got to know her more. At the beginning she kept surprising me, catching me off guard. When I thought she couldn’t surprise me anymore, naturally that’s exactly what she did._

_This time though I wished she hadn’t. I wish that wasn’t a part of her. Not because I didn’t want it but because she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve to feel that way._

_***_

I tap my fingers impatiently against the edge of my desk, glancing at my phone every few seconds. I tried to call her so many times already but she doesn’t pick up. Two days ago, I messaged her but the lack of response didn’t worry me then. Sometimes she doesn’t respond for hours, even at times the whole day. Yesterday, I thought she might be busy as it was a Saturday but today she didn’t show up to my performance either. She was always there, asking for the free tickets I had, before I even asked.

_‘You were amazing!’ I heard her voice before I saw her._

_Of course, she waited outside. I took a long, deep breath, the adrenaline of performing on stage going away ever so slowly. Her arms wrapped around my waist; whatever else she said got muffled because she pressed her face tightly into my chest._

_‘I told you to stay home today, Kaya. It’s past three a.m. and you have classes in less than six hours.’ I complained but couldn’t stop the smile on my face when she just hugged tighter. I pulled her along towards the train station, hoping she could still get some sleep tonight._

_‘How could I miss it? You were so good. I’m so proud of you.’ I looked down at her, still holding onto me with one arm, her eyes shining almost as much as the pink crystals on her necklace._

I decide enough is enough. I grab the phone and head outside quickly. I need to know what’s wrong. It has been three days. On the way there, I think of scolding her for scaring me so much but suddenly it hits me that something might have happened to her. How can I be so selfish to think it’s her fault for not answering when she could be in hospital right now? My thoughts spiral down, my mind creating dark scenarios on their own.

I stop rapidly, mentally exhausted, leaning against a random building. The rough concrete under my fingers feel cold but it doesn’t cool down my hot skin. “No.” I tell myself, “Everything is fine. She’s not hurt; she just wanted some time alone.”

I slow down and try not to think anymore until I’m standing at the door, staring at the familiar grey door, tracing the deep scratch above the handle, that’s always been there with my finger.

‘Oh, hello, Chanyeol.’ Her mother smiles at me the same as always even though she seems different. Tired, troubled.

‘Hello, um… is Kaya home?’ I ask trying to sound casual, still tapping my fingers impatiently against the door frame.

‘Come in, darling.’ It’s obvious something is very wrong and I feel so tense following her into the house.

I’m surprised when she leads me to the usual patio next to the garden. I don’t know what I expected, maybe I thought she would be upstairs in her bed if she wasn’t feeling well. We stop by the door; through the glass I see her, standing by the window with her back to us and looking at something outside.

‘She doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now but I thought maybe you… maybe she would…’

I furrow my brows and press my mouth into a thin line. I stare at how lonely yet completely lost in her own mind she looks there. ‘What happened?’ I ask, my eyes still set on her.

Her mother sighs. ‘I don’t know if I should be the one telling you… She would probably hate me for telling you but you see, she gets like this sometimes. Doctors call it depression but she hates when we use this word.’

I feel the blood freeze in my veins and a cold shiver runs down my spine. Yet again I try to recall any way even the subtlest hint she gave me about it but I come up with nothing. She just didn’t say anything.

Her mother looks at me briefly when I say nothing and knocks lightly on the glass door. The heavy sound fills the space but she doesn’t turn around. I don’t know if she didn’t hear or if she chose to ignore it but I suddenly feel as if I’m looking at a stranger. Only after the second time her mother knocks she slowly turns, arms crossed at her chest, her face rid of any make up, her hair pulled up into a messy pony tail. She looks distant but her eyes shine with slight surprise and recognition when they land on me.

I feel like I’m interrupting something, standing at the now open door, as if afraid to come in further and feeling strangely unwanted. I thrust the door open further though and her mother pushes me in slightly putting a hand on my shoulder.

‘You have a guest, sweetie.’ I swallow hard, my heart suddenly pounding for some reason.

‘Can I come in?’ I ask quietly. She nods with her eyes down.

I notice her mother’s lips quirk up just the slightest in a sad smile before she leaves closing the door behind her. I stand there for a moment as if I’m here for the first time, as if we just met. Like reading a new chapter added to a novel that I read many times before.

I take a deep breath and then a few hurried steps towards her. ‘Kaya? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you reply to my texts? I was so worried.’

Her face looks pale and lost but still so beautiful. I hate myself for thinking she seemed like a stranger even for a second. I hate seeing her in this state but it’s still her – the same girl I met few months ago in the library.

‘Isn’t it obvious? I’m not feeling well.’ She says confidently but her eyes shine as if she’s close to tearing up.

It breaks my heart and I want to comfort her but I’m afraid of doing something wrong. She seems so fragile like a crystal glass and I don’t trust myself to hold it in my clumsy hands.

‘You could have told me… I thought- I hoped you trusted me enough to tell me.’ I admit and she shakes her head at that.

‘It’s not something I could share so lightly Chanyeol… it’s difficult and complicated and stupid…’ her voice is almost breaking. ‘I didn’t want you to think of me differently, I hoped I would be able to hide it somehow- ‘

‘Kaya, look at me.’ I whisper when she looks away and wait for her eyes to lock on mine shyly again, green orbs glassy with hot tears. ‘I can’t tell you that I know how you feel because I haven’t gone through what you have to go through but I just want you to understand that I would never think of you differently or judge you over something that you have no control over.’

I take an experimental step towards her and I feel relieved when she doesn’t move away. I reach out my hands for her to take and she does, ever so slowly and unsurely. They feel delicate and a little cold from nervousness against my warmer, bigger hands. From her face, I can see that she believes me though and it makes me just a tiny bit happier.

I miss her bright smile. I would give anything to see even the tiniest one right now but I’m still glad she even is here, right next to me, healthy; that all those dark thoughts from earlier didn’t come true. I grit my teeth and promise myself I’ll see her smiling and happy again.

‘Will I see you tomorrow in class?’ It’s a hopeful but not forceful question.

‘I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.’ She looks angry and disappointed with herself.

I squeeze her hands gently in comfort. ‘I’ll bring you a copy of my notes tomorrow evening then.’ She looks up with surprise. ‘You should go rest now, it’s late.’ I let go of her hands regretfully and turn to leave but not before giving her a small smile.

‘Chanyeol?’ Her voice stops me at the door.

I turn around and watch her fidget with her jumper sleeve for a second before she speaks. ‘Thank you.’ Those two simple words set heavy at the top of my heart.

I nod and leave her alone, wishing I could stay. I have to give her space though; she needs time to herself now as much as she needs company. The important thing is that she knows I’m there for her.

***

We’re building everything from the top. Although I know her, it’s like we’re starting our relationship from the beginning. It feels stronger this time though and I’m grateful every time she gradually lets me into her heart more and more. She accepts the notes I bring her after classes and she scans them quickly with her eyes, promising to read later.

I miss the calming routine we had – meeting at the campus for classes then studying Korean at her house or sitting doing nothing at mine, eating and laughing. My mother starts to doubt the truth behind my vague explanations that Kaya is simply not feeling well yet she still packs a portion of her favourite noodles every time she cooks, demanding I take it for her. Kaya eats it because she doesn’t want to upset my mother even though she has no appetite. It’s sad and relieving at once. It’s sad because she barely eats anything else yet reliving because at least she still eats a proper meal sometimes.

I watch with mixed emotions when she sits at the table, eating slowly, her grey sweatshirt slipping off her thin shoulder and grease glistening on her lips. When she finishes the meal, we sit in a comfortable silence. I grab the plate and chopsticks to carry it to the kitchen sink when she stands up and smiles at me lightly.

‘I’ll take it.’ She whispers and I know I’m looking down at her with wide eyes when she takes it all from my hands and turns away. ‘I’ll make us some tea too.’ She adds softly after a thought.

I take a sit at the edge of the sofa. Before she disappears, I notice something I failed to notice before – she’s wearing some make up and black jeans instead of her usual sweatpants or pyjama bottoms. Today is different; it’s better I realise and smile to myself, hopeful.

When she’s gone a sudden memory comes to my mind.

_It was so sunny I was squinting my eyes at her. We were in the park next our campus one day during our free period. The day was so bright and Kaya’s yellow dress matched it perfectly._

_‘Do you ever think… do you ever think whether there is a specific reason that you are who you are?’ She spoke looking at the clear sky, lying next to me on the grass._

_I turned my head to look at her but her eyes were closed, lips parted slightly taking in small breaths of the fresh air._

_‘What do you mean?’ I knew what she was asking but I wanted to hear her explain it. I was so simply curious of what went on in that beautiful mind of hers._

_‘Like… I’m Kaya, I was born in London, I study psychology and my life is all I’ve ever known but what if I was…’ She thinks for moment, scrunching her brows in concentration. ‘What if I was… Angela, born in Colombia and studying floristics?’_

_I laughed a little and she opened her eyes to look at me with a huge smile on her face. ‘Well, I think Angela sounds nice too.’ We both giggled. ‘But seriously, I know what you mean. Is it a coincidence or is it meant to be, right? I think about it sometimes too. Maybe not in this exact way but… is it all pre-planned for us?’ I added seriously and she nodded._

_‘Exactly. It’s so strange when you really think about it. What if you and I didn’t exist at all? Would everything be just the same?’ She mused._

_‘Remember what Dr Roberts once said during lecture?’ She shook her head and looked expectantly at me. ‘Thinking too much is dangerous for the human mind. The happiest people think the least.’_

_She suddenly looked very serious and her smile fell a bit. Back then I thought she was just analysing the quote. She looked away briefly and I was about to ask what was wrong but she put the smile back on her face and sat up on the grass._

_‘We should go. As nice as this is, we have a two-hour lecture in ten minutes.’ I groaned at the sudden reminder but got up nonetheless._

So, maybe she did hint at something before but I was oblivious. I didn’t even question it when there was so much worry and sadness hidden at the corners of her mind.

                                                                                                                         ***


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story continues.

The day is unusually cold. When it starts to rain so suddenly we both look at what’s going on outside. Through the glass, it looks really bad. We should be scared of the destructive and unpredictable nature but the howling of the wind and pounding of raindrops on the roof is pleasant somehow because we’re shielded inside. I don’t have to look at Kaya’s face to know she’s enjoying watching everything that’s happening outside.

She stands closer to the thick glass, gripping the blanket that’s around her shoulders closer to herself.

‘That was so sudden.’ I say, my words almost getting lost in the noise.

‘Yeah. It’s one of the reasons I love England. People leave the country to chase the sun but I really like the rain.’ She admits and I nod.

‘I don’t mind it either unless I get caught without an umbrella and I catch a cold later on.’ I can’t get enough of her laugh even when it’s a tiny, barely audible sound. It resonates in my head for a long moment.

‘You know, I believe that even when you get soaking wet, if you take a hot bath and drink a cup of tea when you get home you won’t catch a cold.’ She speaks confidently, tucking a loose strand of golden hair behind her ear.

I look down at her, resisting the urge to hug her and rest my chin on the top of her head because of our height difference. ‘Really? Do you have any data to support such outrageous hypothesis?’ I laugh at her flustered expression at my sudden use of psychological vocabulary.

She shakes her head with a small smile. ‘No, I don’t. However, I shall conduct a series of extensive experiments and present you with a finished written report soon.’ She fires back at me, putting a serious expression on her face and I can’t help but burst laughing.

She shakes with laughter too and my heart sends a comforting warmth to the rest of my body. Kaya raises one of her hands to cover her mouth as if hiding the laugh or trying to subdue it and I wish she would let go to laugh like she used to. The blanket slips of her right shoulder when she lets it go and I stand behind her and put it back in place. I’m about to move away when she puts her hand on mine where it still rests on the space between her shoulder and collar bone. For a moment, I stand frozen but then I take a deep breath, enjoying the contact. Maybe it’s not just me who missed her; maybe she missed me too.

‘Could you help me with something?’ She suddenly asks and I nod but then I realise she can’t see my face.

‘Of course. What do you need help with?’

She turns around quickly. ‘Korean. I was learning new vocabulary yesterday or trying to at least but the pronunciation is impossible.’

I can’t help but think how much everything is returning to the way it was before. I’m happy but strangely scared at the same time. What if it all breaks down again? And if it does, would she trust me more next time?

‘Nothing is impossible.’

‘Only with your help.’ I like feeling needed. I know there is so much I can’t help her with but whatever I can do, I won’t hesitate. ‘Let me get my notes.’ She takes off the navy-blue blanket and lays it around my neck messily, rushing towards the door.

I blush, touching the soft fabric with my fingertips. It smells like her hair, or maybe it’s her shampoo or her perfume. I don’t know what it is but it’s just so familiar, calming my nerves. It quiets me down like a sweet lullaby and brings me to the edge of drowsiness and along with all the sensations, a deja-vu hits me like the rain hitting against the roof.

_My eyes were closed and my body relaxed, leaning casually against a wall. My heart rate was slowing down with every deep breath, exhaustion finally making its presence known. Performing always left me feeling this way and my friends from the concerts always said it was the same for them – the adrenaline was so strong that tiredness only came when you allowed yourself the time to feel it._

_I was waiting for Kaya since it took longer for the audience to leave through the small entry than for the artists to sneak out through the backstage door. My friends left already, laughing and celebrating the good performance tonight. It really felt great; I rapped better than ever before, the crowd was louder than ever before. Kaya looked more stunning than ever before, or maybe it seemed so because I’ve never seen her wear a black leather jacket and red jeans before._

_‘There he is. The star of the show.’ She breathed against my ear. I didn’t even hear her approach._

_She was so close; her lips were brushing against my ear. I didn’t open my eyes even when I felt her body press gently against mine. Her soft words registered in my brain at the same time as her sweet scent, both making me feel somewhat lightheaded._

_‘Star?’ I only managed to whisper, not trusting myself to get out a coherent sentence._

_‘So, so bright…’ She brought her hand to my cheek and I leaned into the touch, enjoying the slight burn against my skin. Her touch was setting fire to my skin but I didn’t mind at all. I remembered myself wanting to burn that night and not paying attention if my thoughts even made any sense._

_I pressed harder into the palm against my cheek and scrunched my brows when it suddenly felt colder and rougher. Everything began to blur and when I finally opened my eyes to look up at her I wasn’t staring into her eyes. I was staring at the wall of my own room and pressing my cheek into my own pillow. I looked around and realised it’s dark around me._

_I picked up the phone that still rested with its full weight in my hand. I fell asleep while texting Kaya. The time on the bright screen showed that it was almost midnight but there was only one unread message from her: “Sleep well, Channie. Dream of me” followed by a winking emoji._

_I fell back on my pillows with a heavy sigh and a sheen of sweat on my forehead. Before I fell back asleep I thought she must have put some type of spell on me but I didn’t mind it as much as I probably should have._

***

My fears came true in a turn of chaotic events that I could never predict. I know it’s going to change everything but I have no power to do anything but wait and watch it unfold. I still believe in a happy ending even when Kaya’s older sister opens the door and explains that she’s been locked in her room all day, refusing to let anyone in.

I thought she felt better. She came to classes yesterday and even though she took no notes and zoned out multiple times, I enjoyed her presence next to me in our usual sits by the wall. She looked beautiful with a light, natural make-up, her hair falling in curls around her face and wearing the fluffiest blue jumper I’ve ever seen. But it seems something changed yet again.

I walk past her sister nodding absentmindedly at her; I feel her worried gaze on me until I disappear up the wide stairs. The corridor seems unusually long before I’m standing at the wooden door painted in light grey. I knock softly.

‘Kaya, it’s me.’ I say patiently when there is no response. I knock again, this time putting more force in. ‘You’re not sleeping, you told me once that you can never fall asleep during the day, remember?’

The door opens loudly after a moment and she pulls me inside quickly before she shuts it again turning the key in the lock roughly. Without a single glance at me, she gets back into her bed and pulls the cover over her whole body including her head. I only manage to notice she is wearing pyjamas and her hair is messy before she disappears.

‘Why are you being so loud from the very morning?’ She groans from under the thick duvet.

I stand by the bed, chuckling lightly because at least she has enough energy to be annoyed. ‘It’s two in the afternoon, Kaya.’ I sit at the edge of her large bed.

She responds with another angry sound but pushes away the covers. ‘I need a bath.’ She sighs and gets up. ‘Don’t stare at me like that, I know I look terrible.’ She runs her hand through her hair trying to smooth it out.

I look down but smile a little to myself. ‘Fine, but I think you look okay.’ I say and I can imagine her rolling her eyes at that.

‘I forgot to take a bath this morning and you forgot to put your contact lenses in. Great.’ She replies humourlessly but I can’t hold in the laugh, still looking at the floor, listening to her light footsteps crossing the room.

I get up. ‘Find some clothes and I’ll run the bath.’ I don’t wait for an answer, heading to the en suit bathroom. I don’t turn to look at her face but the footsteps still for a moment and there is no protest so I start to fill the bath with warm water, adding bath foam to make lots of bubbles. I take a sit at the leather chair by the bath in the huge bathroom listening to the sound of the water.

I get up to leave when she enters, balancing a pile of clothes and towels on one hand but I stop when she holds her other hand up. She looks down at the floor and bites her lip. ‘Could you stay maybe? I kind of want to talk to you… It’s okay if you’re not comfortable like this. It can wait until when I finish but I tend to take very long baths...’

I should refuse. My polite nature and upbringing is telling me that I should tell her that it’s fine for me to wait until she’s finished. I sit back on the chair though, swayed by the promise that she’ll talk to me. I want to find out what’s on her mind especially when she won’t even talk to her family yet I was the one who she let in.

‘If you’re okay with it I can stay.’ I say but my voice exposes my hesitation.

Kaya locks the door behind her, probably out of habit and walks towards the bath, dropping the clothes and towels on the floor. She smiles at the sight of the amount of bubbles I managed to make, dipping her hand in to check the temperature.

‘It’s not too hot?’

‘It’s perfect, thanks.’

It feels intimate but not as awkward as I thought it would. I watch her calm face with fascination and wonder how exactly we ended up here from when we started. I realise that my heart begins to race at the thoughts of what the future could bring. I’m scared, terrified at times but I don’t want to miss any moment we have together. I found something special and I think I realised that already some time ago.

I turn my face away on a reflex when Kaya lifts her top to take it off without any warning. I close my eyes too just to be sure I don’t see anything I’m not supposed to in my peripheral vision. My cheeks start to feel warm but I stay silent.

I hear the clanking of metal hitting the floor tiles and I know it’s her pyjama bottoms that’s fallen to the floor which have metal decoration on the front and back pockets. The splash of water as she gets into the bath is followed by a short laugh.

‘I knew you won’t even try to look. You’re such a nice guy, Chanyeol.’ Her voice is so soft and trusting. I really hope I’ll never break that trust. ‘You can look now though, I’m practically all covered in bubbles.’

I open my eyes slowly, turning my head and it’s true – the bubbles are almost swallowing all of her sitting in the bath. It looks like a scene from a movie. Her hair is pulled up in a high ponytail now and only her shoulders and head show from under the white mountains of foam. 

‘Long time ago I had a friend.’ She starts abruptly leaning her head back on the edge of the bathtub, her smooth neck arching beautifully and her chin pointing upwards. ‘Best friend. She was a complete opposite of me. We did everything together and I always imagined ourselves married one day to our wonderful husbands, having cute children and living next door to each other because we couldn’t be separated for too long.’ I listen intently in the quiet room, afraid to even breathe too loud not to interrupt.

‘It was so nice to have that person to turn to with any problem, any doubt or concern, you know?’ I nod when she turns her head and looks at me briefly from under half closed lids. ‘I thought we had such a strong bond that nothing would break it, so when I started to suddenly feel… low and sad… When I lost all my energy and motivation I naturally told her first. I didn’t know what was going on with me then or maybe I knew but tried desperately to push it away from my mind. Either way she was supportive, helped me a lot and even gave me time to myself at first but then I fell in even deeper… She kept saying she missed me all the same whether I was away or right next to her.’ Kaya sighs and closes her eyes again, a tear starts rolling down her cheek slowly, then travels down her neck disappearing in the water.

I want to wipe her cheeks but I stay in place. It’s probably better if she finally lets all the feelings out.

‘I’m sorry...’ I whisper not knowing what else to say. In some way, she seems like she made peace with what happened yet it still affects her so much.

‘It hurt but I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I guess the bond wasn’t that strong after all. Or maybe I broke it.’ She looks at me again with red and glassy eyes. ‘I wanted to tell you this so that you know why I tried to hide it from you, why I didn’t answer your calls… Why I expected you to turn away from me when you find out.’ She takes a deep breath, relieved that she managed to explain it well.

‘But I found out and I’m still here.’ I reply and she smiles a little, playing with the bubbles on top of her chest.

‘I shouldn’t have judged you based on that but…’ she starts but I interrupt.

‘I understand, you don’t have to explain.’ I assure her in a calm voice and the way she looks at me I cannot describe in words.

I don’t think I fell in love with her at that very moment but I fell deeper into something that was already there, blooming steadily in its own natural way like daffodils in spring.

***

 

_It wasn’t the last time we talked like this – I, sitting in the leather chair and she, soaking in the bath. It was rare but it was a time for us to talk honestly about our worries like some unusual therapy sessions. I noticed it was always when either of us was under a lot of stress._

_Kaya was feeling better, we were back to what we have been before but it was better because the bond between us felt even stronger. She told me all she was worried about as well as random stories from her childhood that she thought have affected her to become who she is. I told her about my life back in Korea and why we moved to London._

It’s a particularly hard time for us both. It’s exams time at university, Kaya’s mother had to go to America because someone was claiming that they are a lost relative of her dead aunt and the house they live in should be theirs. I’m torn between accepting and rejecting a huge offer of performing at one of the biggest venues in North London. I’m scared that if I reject it, another such opportunity won’t come but if I fail exams because of it it’ll be over for me too.

‘Do you honestly think you’ll be able to prepare for both?’ She asks, playing with the bubbles, water dropping from her wet hands.

I sit cross-legged on the chair and play with the frayed threads on the sleeves of my hoodie. I already thought a lot about it but I didn’t tell her.

‘I think I could make it if I really focused only on those two things. Preparing for the performance would take a lot more effort because they want us to do a dance routine as well with the other rappers, so we would have to meet up to practice.’ I take a breath. ‘I would be able to do it if I study at night and practice during the day.’

‘Chanyeol…’ She breathes my name heavily. I already know she’s not too happy with this idea. ‘And when is the time to eat, sleep and rest?’

‘Well, I’m okay with four hours of sleep, I can eat while studying at the same time… and rest?’ I think for a second. ‘When I’m practicing for performance I’m taking a break from studying and when I’m studying I’m taking a break from practicing, isn’t it? I think it works.’ I look at her when I hear a burst of empty laugh.

She’s shaking her head in disbelief. ‘This sounds crazy.’

I laugh with her, covering my face with my hands. ‘I know.’

There is a short silence until Kaya breaks it. ‘So, we won’t see each other much in the next two weeks.’ There is clear sadness in her voice when she states it as a fact.

I look up and her eyes are already locked on my face. ‘I’m sorry but I won’t be able to make it otherwise…’ I already regret having to say that, my voice coming out quietly.

‘No, no I understand. I need to focus on studying too. It’s better for us both.’ It doesn’t feel like it will be good for either of us but I still nod in agreement.

‘We’ll both be fine.’ I feel like I’m trying to assure myself more than her.

We don’t say anything else until she asks me to pass her the towel. I spread it out and hold it up for her to take but she just suddenly gets up from the bath and I look away with warm cheeks but not before receiving the briefest glimpse of smooth, wet skin, covered in places with foam. It was almost too brief to see anything but I feel embarrassed anyway.

I take a step forward and wrap the soft towel around her when she raises her arms to give me access. I make sure to cover her whole body tightly and smile when she wraps her arms around my neck for support. We stay like that for a moment.

‘You’ll be okay, right?’ Without waiting for a response, I continue. ‘If you’re not, please call me and I’ll come no matter what.’

She presses her body closer to mine, her wet arms slick yet so warm against my skin.

‘I could never be so selfish but thank you anyway.’ She says against my neck, her breath sending chills down my spine. ‘We’ll be fine. You said so and I believe you but I still want tickets for your performance. I’m not missing another one.’

I rub her back through the towel gently and inhale the sweet smell of her bath cream radiating from her hot skin. I gently lift her up from the bath and set her on the floor. She holds onto my neck stronger at first, acting on reflex but soon loosens the grip when she is standing on the ground. She looks up at me and I can’t look away. ‘I’ll miss you.’ I admit in a hushed whisper.

She smiles a little and looks down. ‘It’s just two weeks.’

‘I know.’

‘When we finally finish the exams and you show an amazing performance and… when it’s all finally over, we’ll celebrate. We’ll eat lots of food and go to the beach maybe or somewhere.’ Her eyes shine with excitement at the idea.

I laugh quietly and nod. ‘Is that a promise?’ I ask, not being able to help myself from looking down at her pink lips when she sticks her tongue out to lick them absentmindedly.

‘It is.’

I’m barely able to stop myself from sealing that promise with a kiss.

***

Time flies, giving me nearly not enough time to catch a breath. When I finally do fill my lungs with as much air as I can, closing my eyes I realise it’s all almost over. The exams are over at least with my performance due in two days. I haven’t seen Kaya. I was hoping I could see her in the corridors before exams but they were held in different buildings – rooms assigned according to our last names.

_I was gripping the windowsill with my right hand in the too bright corridor next to room 26 and my phone with my left. I texted Kaya a lot and she always responded within minutes not to worry me but I needed to hear her voice. If I couldn’t look in her eyes and hold her hands, at least I could hear her voice._

_‘Chanyeol?’ It sounded calmer than I expected but she didn’t even try to hide the nervous edge in her tone._

_I exhaled deeply against the cold metal pressed against my ear. ‘How are you doing?’_

_‘I’m currently in a bathroom, in front of the mirror, telling myself that it’s going to be okay.’ In the background, I heard other girls talking and laughing._

_‘Good.’ I said but my heart ached when I imaged her lips turned down in a worried frown, squeezing her free hand into a tight fist by her side._

_‘Aren’t you nervous?’_

_‘I am but I’m trying to hold myself together.’ I wanted to sound strong and confident for her but something suddenly broke in me. ‘God, I feel like I don’t know anything. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to prepare for two things at once…’_

_‘Hey, hey stop.’ She whispered into the device, stopping my raising panic. ‘It’s just an exam and you’ve studied so hard for it. We both did and we’ll do well.’_

_I shook my head, nodding desperately to myself, ignoring the loud chatter of students around me. ‘You’re right.’_

_‘Just hold on. It’ll be all over soon.’_

_I did. I held onto the sound of her voice in my ear that stayed with me even after we ended the call. I focused only on the exam paper in front of me and the thought that somewhere nearby Kaya is going through the same thing._

My throat hurts from overuse and my limbs feel like they’re made of jelly. I press my back into the wall, watching the people around me. I’m waiting for Kaya – it will take some time for her to leave through the main exit since it’s such a big venue and there were so many people. I squeeze my eyes shut, re-living the experience. I couldn’t even see her in the crowd. I tried so hard to find her but the crowd became more of a blur the more I looked at it. I haven’t seen her for so long, my heart races at the very thought of it. I have so much to tell her, so much to ask. Did she like the performance? Did I do well? How is she? Wasn’t it too loud and crowded for her?

My breath is shallow and it doesn’t seem to be getting any deeper. Neither does my heart rate decrease. I put my shaking hand on my chest feeling dizzy, suddenly having difficulty to even focus my attention on anything specific. The other artists are around; those that recognise me give me nods and pat my shoulder friendly, saying words that get lost somewhere in the space between their mouths and my brain.

I lean my head on the wall too when it suddenly feels like I’m slipping down. Panic rises in my chest when I realise that I’m about to faint somewhere at the back of the concert building at the other side of the city. I try desperately to stay conscious, scared that I’m here alone and nobody will help me since they don’t really know me.

‘Chanyeol?’ It seems like it’s coming from really far away.

With the last spark of energy, I open my eyes and look to the direction of the sound. I didn’t imagine it. Along with the familiar voice there is a dark silhouette, the only light shining on her is coming from the street lamp.

I let my body slip slowly to the floor, feeling safe somehow. She’s here. I waited so long to see her and she finally appeared. I let my eyes close, too weak to fight.

If she’s here then it will all be okay.

There is a distant, desperate shout followed by more scattered noise but my brain shuts it all off, allowing only for cold darkness and sweet, sweet silence.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be one more part. I know this story will be the least popular of all my works but I really wanted to write this. Thank you to those that have taken the time to read even though it's not the M/M you crave hahaha :D 
> 
> Love, xx


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forever begins tonight.

Something is pulling me into consciousness, I wander mindlessly between dream and reality. I finally open my eyes and close them as soon as bright light enters accompanied by a jolt of sharp pain.

I hear a gasp and that something that was pulling me before is physical now; someone is squeezing my hand. It’s comfortingly warm and my curiosity wins over the fear of the pain so I lift my heavy eyelids again.

It’s not as bad this time round. Instead of white walls my eyes open to two green orbs, staring down at me. She’s here. I smile but her expression changes so quickly from surprise to relief to anger and the next thing I know she’s shouting.

‘How could you? You said you were eating and took time to rest? Did you lie every time you said you were going to sleep soon?’ It comes out all at once, tears threatening to escape her eyes more and more with every question. ‘I was worried as it was, what do you think I felt when I saw you collapse then? Did you even think about it?’ She squeezes my hand in hers even stronger almost to the point of hurting but I don’t mind. I deserve it. I can only look at her, her pale cheeks, red-rimmed eyes and make up smudged under her bottom lashes.

Suddenly, the door opens and a nurse comes in demanding to know what the noise is about. When she realises what is happening she comes up to Kaya and asks her to leave.

‘I’m not going anywhere!’ Kaya pushes her hand away roughly from where it rests gently on her shoulder. She’s still looking at me and I open my mouth to say something but nothing is coming out except empty silence.

The nurse then grabs her shoulders with more strength to get her to leave. I thought she would struggle but she lets the lady lead her out of the room. The look in her eyes changes to softer, sadder and her body looks numb as if in shock. She looks like she realises what she is doing and starts to regret it.

I feel responsible and I hate myself right now but I can only watch when the door closes after Kaya while the nurse stays in the room. She comes over to me asking how I’m feeling.

I don’t answer anything because the truth would spill in vulgar words from my tongue and the innocent lady just doing her job doesn’t have to be a victim of my anger.

I want to talk to Kaya, I want to resolve this, hating the conflict that burst between us but my pleads are unsuccessful.

‘You should rest, dear.’ The nurse says in a gentler yet still strict voice, pushing me back onto the soft pillows.

I’m left staring at the ceiling, inhaling the sterile hospital smell and trying to ignore the pain in my chest.

***

I’m changing back from the hospital gowns into my own clothes that they washed and dried for me. I begged them to let me go and they finally agree but only when I promise to take a better care of myself.

When I step onto the corridor I see Kaya talking to a nurse but it’s not the lady from before. Kaya nods at her words, looking at the floor but I’m too far to hear; she’s hugging herself with her arms from cold or shame but I think it may be the latter.

I walk slowly towards them with my head down. ‘The cab is waiting for you two outside. Please, go home and be more careful in the future. Especially you, Mr Park.’ The nurse says before she leaves. I only nod a little and thank her before we’re left alone.

There are other people around us – doctors and nurses walking by, patients sitting on chairs by the wall, a telephone is ringing somewhere in the distance but I feel like it’s just us, surrounded by silence.

‘I’m sorry, Chanyeol. I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say.’ She looks up at me and all I wish is to go home with her and for the day to finally end. She’s apologizing for shouting at me and at the nurse but it’s my fault for all of this.

‘I should apologize too. I told you I was going to sleep when in reality I was pouring litres of coffee into my system to keep awake all night to practice. I knew that if I told you, you wouldn’t allow it. I’m sorry.’

I feel relieved when she smiles a little. ‘We both made some mistakes… but let’s forget about it now. Let’s go home, okay?’

‘Sounds good.’ I sigh deeply. There is still a trace of headache at my temples but the painkillers have made it really dull, pushed it somewhere into a corner, too far to reach.

The ride is warm and cosy. The hospital is a long way from home at the other side of the town but I’m not annoyed. It feels nice with our shoulders pressed together at the back sit. The medication has made me drowsier than I realised and I rest my head on Kaya’s shoulder not able to keep it up anymore.

‘Tired?’ she asks softly next to my ear. I only hum in response. She adds: ‘I’m really so glad you’re okay.’ She strokes my knuckles with her fingertips.

I take her hand and intertwine our fingers, seeking more of that comforting touch. ‘I missed you.’ I breathe out not opening my eyes but I don’t have to. The smile is evident even in her voice.

‘I missed you too.’

***

I end up falling asleep on the couch in Kaya’s living room when she goes to make something to drink. I realise it’s become a habit or maybe the furniture in her house is too comfortable not to fall asleep on.

When I wake up it’s dark and silent. Kaya’s mother is still in America so the house is empty. I look around and notice the glass jug filled with juice and  some sandwiches on the table. The familiar blanket is soft in my hand when I fold it and set it aside. I eat one sandwich slowly and drink some juice that turns out to be orange flavour.

I walk through the dark yet warm house and before I know where I’m going I’m in Kaya’s room. I haven’t been here for two weeks but nothing has changed, I notice with relief. I draw the heavy red curtains closed, the fabric as smooth to touch as ever. The scent of Kaya’s sweet perfume still lingers in the air, the blue carpet on the floor still feels like you’re walking on clouds.

I sit at the edge of the bed, the room is dim, the only light coming from the beautiful, glass lamp on her desk. I hear the water turning on in the bathroom and I look at the closed door. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me earlier that she’ll be there. In my mind, I was wondering where she is and hoping she’ll come to her room soon.

The sound of the water coming from the shower is relaxing and I’m scared to fall asleep again. I’m still so tired from everything that happened today, thousands of thoughts running through my head, every single one seems to awaken the sharp pain more and more. I’m lightheaded somehow, I bury my heavy head in my hands leaning my elbows on my knees.

I don’t hear when the water stops running and the door opens. I exhale a long, loud breath only when I feel a warm hand on my cheek, slim fingers moving up to weave gently into my hair. It’s just like that time when I fell asleep in the patio, her hand is following the same comforting pattern. I want to tell her not to stop doing it but I have no strength to even speak.

‘God, you’re exhausted.’ I look up only when she speaks, her hair spills around her face and her eyes seem greener than ever before in the warm orange light. ‘Take a quick shower and let’s go to sleep.’

I only nod and get up, uttering a barely audible: ‘Thank you.’

Before I walk into the bathroom Kaya hands me some towels and clothes. I furrow my brows looking at the t-shirt and sweatpants in my hands. ‘Are those mine?’

She giggles. ‘I was doing the laundry the other day and realised you left a lot of clothes at my house.’ She gets the hairbrush from her nightstand and starts running it slowly through her long, straight strands. ‘There are new, spare toothbrushes in the closet above the sink.’

The water is relaxing, I keep it a bit too hot on purpose to relax the tense muscles in my body. I suddenly think about how Kaya was in the very same shower minutes ago. My mind fills with memories of her beautiful, small shoulders and sculptured collar bones not covered by the foam when she was in the bath many times before. I close my eyes and shake my head. Why do I suddenly think about that?

When the memory of her wet, naked skin I saw a glimpse of before, enters my mind, without thinking I switch the water to the coldest possible and squeeze my eyes shut trying not to wince in pain when the freezing water hits my burning skin.

When I enter the room again, fresh and feeling much better, Kaya is already under the covers on her side, facing the window with the curtains still closed like I left them but when she hears me enter she turns to look at me, opening her eyes again. She looks so sleepy and beautiful I’m speechless for a second.

‘I’ll be done in a second.’ I try to sound clear with the toothbrush still in my mouth and turn back to the bathroom. I see her smile lightly at me and stare from under her long lashes.

When I’m done, I switch off the light in the bathroom and close the door. ‘Can you switch off the lamp too?’ Kaya asks, getting comfortable on the huge bed.

‘Of course, I’ll switch it off before I leave.’ I say picking up my phone from the table, noticing the time is past midnight now.

The rustling of sheets draws my attention back to Kaya. She’s sitting up now with her legs crossed under the covers.

‘Leave?’ She asks confused.

I point my hand to the door. ‘The guest room where I usually sleep.’ I became familiar with the big room across from her bedroom where I slept when I stayed over.

‘Ah…’ she says quietly, looking down. ‘I thought it would be better if…’ Is she blushing? I watch with delight as the pink colour spreads on her cheeks - even in the weak light it’s visible. ‘I thought it would be better if you slept here, in case you suddenly feel worse or something. You hit your head pretty hard.’

My heart starts to race when I listen to her shy, white lie. She actually wants to sleep next to me. The day is getting crazier and crazier by the minute and it’s harder and harder to believe that this isn’t just a dream.

I nod though, unable to even try to refuse her offer. How could I? ‘Yeah, maybe you’re right.’

She nods and bites her lip. I quickly cross the room to reach the lamp switch and turn the room into complete darkness when I feel the blush creeping on my cheeks too. I lie next to her under the soft covers and it feels like heaven.

I haven’t had any alcohol in long weeks but I feel like I’m drunk – lost in the excitement of the moment, heart beating way too loud and truth spilling from my mouth before I can stop it. ‘You’re so beautiful in so many ways.’

The sharp, tiny intake of breath is so loud in the silent room. I can’t see anything but the shine of her eyes but it’s so calming. It’s so comforting that she’s so close. I lied sleeplessly so many times at night hoping to be right next to her then scolding myself for thinking like that about someone who is just my friend. A close friend but still just a friend.

Now it feels like a dream becoming reality but also like it’s a long time coming. Was I really hoping for this for so long? Wishing for it without realising? Did she want it too?

A jolt of electricity runs through me when I feel Kaya link our fingers just like I did in the cab on the way home. I shiver even though I feel really hot as if a fever is taking over my body.

I smile to myself. It took a long time but finally I see that the feeling is shared. It’s not just something one-sided that I felt but couldn’t piece together into anything that would make sense; something that I wanted but pushed away from my mind, scared that it will ruin everything when I finally figure out what it is, scared that it’ll take something already complicated and turn it into a complete mess.

I see now that I shouldn’t have been scared. We’re both in the same position and neither knows what the future will bring but is there anything else better than waiting to see it for ourselves?

My eyes adjust to the darkness and I start to see more, especially when the dark night turns into something lighter; black sky turning into a heavy grey, the moon showing its strength yet again. It gives me confidence to move closer to her so that I smell the scent of the shower gel off her skin.

So, so close that I feel a warm, minty breath on my cheek when she speaks next. ‘Close your eyes.’

‘Why?’ I blink a few times, confused.

‘Because I want to kiss you but I’m too scared.’

She has said so many beautiful things to me since the day I met her. Every word she whispered into my ear, every word she shouted in anger, every word she uttered in that daydreaming state she loved to be in so much – they were all so beautiful yet those ten, short words put into a shy, embarrassed sentence have me feeling physically weak.

I fulfil her request, my lips parting on their own. The adrenaline is buzzing in my ears so that I don’t even hear when she gets closer and there are lips on my own. Slow and shy at first yet the movement is enough to start to drive me insane. I kiss back just as slowly but she’s already over the first shyness and nerves, placing her hand on the back of my neck experimentally and kissing harder.

I put my hand on her waist and draw her much closer with a slight force, unable to control myself. She breaks the kiss suddenly. I miss the hot pressure of her lips as soon as they’re gone. I panic for a second, scared that I did something wrong but she just shifts and with a quick movement, she straddles my hips. I feel both her hands on my chest and I open my eyes.

A breath hitches in my throat at the sight of her above me, leaning down a little bit, her loose, blue nightdress high up her legs and looking so intensely at me. I put my hands on her smooth thighs.

‘You’re cheating.’ She accuses playfully but then she leans in closer. ‘Keep your eyes closed.’ It’s whispered in a seductive voice and in perfect Korean. I feel dizzy drinking in the words, desire shaking my mind. When did she learn how to say that? Why such a simple sentence in a language I’ve always known sounded so hot when she said it?

Before I can think about it more, there are lips on mine again and my eyes close. We kiss for so long, not being able to get enough of each other until it’s no longer dark in the room, the sky outside turning a lighter shade of blue with every passing minute. It’s evident it’s the morning even with the curtains drawn closed.

With an understanding last soft kiss, Kaya gets off my lap and instead gets comfortable next to me with her arm and head still on my chest. I brush away a strand of hair from her face and watch her eyes closed peacefully, lips slightly swollen and dark red.

I hug her small frame tightly and I fall asleep knowing I have something so precious in my arms that I can never let go of. No matter what happens to either of us, the other will be there, patient and loving.

I used to think she was fragile. I compared her to a crystal glass that could easily slip from my hands and shatter to million pieces but seeing how she overcomes her struggles and how she doesn’t give up even when her mind becomes clouded and overwhelmed by emotions she can’t control, made me realise I was wrong.

If anything, she is like a handful of black diamonds. Even if they slip from my hands and fall to the floor, they won’t ever break.

 

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Love, xxx

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you liked part 1. Tell me what you think in the comments. 
> 
> There will be 1 or 2 more soon but it's all in part rather than chapters but it doesn't matter that much :) 
> 
> Love xxx


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